Mental Health Update

I guess people often see me as someone with “sad vibes”—that kind of deep, emotional presence that stands out. I used to think maybe I just felt too much. Growing up, I didn’t have many people to play with. I realized early on that my social skills weren’t quite like my peers’. I always knew I was different, but I couldn’t explain why. Sometimes, I feel like I play different roles depending on who I’m with, trying to shape how others see me… but in the end, only God knows what they’re really thinking.

As a young introvert, the online world became my playground. It was how I socialized, how I felt seen. Sure, I made a lot of “friends” online—but looking back, were they real? Back then, it was so easy for someone to pretend. And it wasn’t always safe—I was even cyberbullied by my own classmates and seniors. But when it came to mental strength, I didn’t flinch. Those three years in that maktab? Pure survival mode.

Things took a brighter turn when I transferred to a school in Melaka. That’s where I found my circle—six of us, and they’ve stuck around ever since. Even though I still struggle with feeling like I truly belong anywhere, I’m thankful to have them. After SPM, though, I hit a wall. My mental health took a dive. It sounds dramatic, but that heartbreak? It broke me. First love can feel like your whole world, and when it ended, I was left with this deep, aching emptiness.

But you know me—I never gave up on love. And then came Aiman. Knowing him opened doors I didn’t know existed. He taught me how to be street-smart, how to navigate life beyond books. Still, juggling work, family, and myself became overwhelming. Corporate life drained me. It didn’t align with my soul. Quitting felt like medicine. I finally realized: I don’t need to chase more money when I already have enough. A stable home, a partner I love, and a quiet life within my means? That’s more than enough. I live simply and stay healthy—not just to save money, but because it feels good.

Turning 29 changed everything. I spiraled hard. One moment I was at home, the next I was being taken to the hospital by ambulance. I became delusional in my own world and being aggressive toward my family. I don’t remember much from that day—but I do remember waking up from it all. That experience rewired something in me. Like I went through a deep spiritual awakening. Feels like I know too much and also do not know anything.

Since then, I’ve started to feel good in my own skin. No more anxiety, no more depression. Just presence. Just peace. And guess what? I’m back to writing again like I used to, before the world got heavy. Alhamdulillah.